The Pivot - #3 - Bilingual Burnout

AI Generated picture from Gemini of a woman who looks as frazzled as I do today from bilingual burnout

How does one deal with Bilingual Burnout?

Sleep and self-forgiveness.

That's it.

That's the post.

Psyche. Just kidding.

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Something I didn't predict about going to school in another language, was how often I'd experience what I'm calling bilingual burnout. I'm an anglophone, but I attend school with francophones and let me tell you - for every two days I'm able to speak French fluently enough to surprise myself, there's one day when I can barely get by, even in my own native tongue. It feels like my brain is either on or off - there's no dimmer switch. Dammit.

Is it realted to AuDHD? Perimenopause?

I do have a processing disorder. I know about it, and so I try to be forgiving of myself. But it becomes frustrating when I'm forced to explain something out loud in class versus in writing. It takes me twice as long to speak what I mean than to write what I mean.

Why is that? It's as if my writing and speaking are governed by different language processors. It drives me nuts.

Like today, for example, in my weight-lifting class. Firstly, I have a little crush on my gym teacher, so it's already more difficult to ask him questions because I inadvertently blush. (Side note: I think we might be around the same age, but don't worry - I'm sure he's married - and anyway, I don't know how to flirt).

Every time I need to ask him a question, I become super aware of the fact that I struggle to say what I mean. So, as I wait in line behind my classmates, I rehearse what I'm going to say, using every available brain cell to formulate my sentences. And then, when my turn comes, I start stuttering. Idiot. Then I roll my eyes in disbelief at how quickly my confidence has just up and disappeared, mutter 'Je suis désolée' a few times while turning bright red, and follow it up with "Gosh, I can't even find the words in English."

Lord, child.

Then and only then, do I proceed to take five minutes to ask a question which could have been asked in fifteen bloody seconds.

Calisse. La vie est dur.

To his credit, my gym teacher is very patient.

All this to say, I've noticed I am three different people at school these days: confident and bold when I realize someone in my class also speaks English; confident-ish but shy when I'm having a good day and all my neurons are firing in the correct order; and completely and utterly hopeless when I lose all my confidence, all of my French, and all of my English.

So, how do I deal with bilingual burnout?

I go to bed early on the bad days, and right before I close my eyes, I say to myself, 'Jaren, I forgive you. You are doing the very best you can, and I'm proud of you for trying so hard all the time. You will get it one day. And if you don't? Well, nobody will ever hire you, and you'll have to sell pictures of your feet on OnlyFans.'

Then I laugh for a minute straight—because I think I'm hilarious—and follow it up with, 'No, seriously, Jaren. I'm proud of you for trying. Also, your feet are beautiful.'

Then, I close my eyes and pray I don't make as much of an ass of myself tomorrow.

*sigh*

-Jaren

What do you do when you can't communicate the way you'd like?