The Pivot #12 - I'd Like To Fail Without An Audience, Thank You Very Much.

AI generated image of an artist following all of her crazy ideas in front of an audience

In my 20s, I had a lot of dreams and big ideas for the world. I would call my parents or friends and share what I was excited about—a new job, project, or dream—with reckless abandon. In my 30s, I noticed that the enthusiasm for my new ideas and adventures had turned toward concern: Will she ever figure out what to do in life? She’s always starting a new project. You never know what it’ll be. Now, in my 40s, I keep my cards closer to my chest because a big part of me feels ashamed when things don’t work out. And then I feel judged, somehow—even if I can’t confirm with data that I’m actually being judged. It’s like there’s a split.

So, I spoke to that split this morning, and this was our conversation:

Jaren the Dreamer: I have this new idea. I can’t wait to share it with the world. Maybe someone will find it as inspiring as I do!

Jaren the Bruised: It’s just your AuDHD. This is a temporary feeling. What you’re experiencing now is a dopamine dump. Give it a few weeks and it’ll go away, and you’ll save yourself a lot of pain by not having to explain to everyone why your new idea didn’t work out. Like all of your relationships.

Jaren the Dreamer: Eww. No. Why would I do that? Also, rude.

Jaren the Bruised: Remember the ex nobody liked? It caused a whole lot of heartache. You felt ashamed.

Jaren the Dreamer: No, I didn’t. You did. I felt healed in many ways by that relationship, even though it ended. You are the one who is ashamed. Not me. Ever. Life is too short to stop and obsess about the past.

Jaren the Bruised: (silence)

Jaren the Dreamer: Wow. I didn’t realize it bothered you so much. I suppose we could compromise. I still get to be super pumped and excited about my big ideas, but… I can wait to tell people about them until they’re closer to being finished, meaning I have a structured plan for introducing them to the world. Does that work?

Jaren the Bruised: Yes, actually. It would show people you’re serious. And if it doesn’t work out, it’s only on you and me to manage the fallout. We won’t have to navigate other people’s opinions and feelings.

Jaren the Dreamer: Whatever, as long as I get to shout in happiness at the top of my lungs when the projects are finished. I just want you to realize that you are the one struggling here. Not me.

Jaren the Bruised: Okay. I admit it. And I appreciate you taking my feelings into consideration. I will not rain on your parade once our next project is closer to being finished.

Jaren the Dreamer: Deal. But one more thing: you don’t get to be a perfectionist and kill all my projects because you don’t think they’re good enough.

Jaren the Bruised: Me? That’s not my job. That’s Jaren the Perfectionist’s job.

Jaren the Dreamer: Fuck. Okay, let’s call her in.

Jaren the Perfectionist: What did I do?

Jaren the Bruised and Jaren the Dreamer (in unison): You do tend to kill a lot of projects.

Jaren the Perfectionist: Moi? But look at all the bazillions I let pass! No? Fine. I’ll lower

the bar. A little.

Jaren the Dreamer: You may have to lower it a lot. We’re in our 40s now. We care less.

Jaren the Bruised: But you still have access to the kill switch! We promise.

Jaren the Perfectionist: What’s the catch?

Jaren the Bruised: Just that we have to agree with you. When we get close to finalizing a project, we all have to decide together if the project will see the light of day. It’s no longer just your decision.

Jaren the Dreamer: And I get the majority vote, by the way, because you two have dominated my life for the past decade. No more. We are done. It’s my turn again, okay? We need a little more joy in our life. But I promise I will be open to listening to your feedback—not like in my 20s. That was out of control, I admit. Deal?

Jaren the Bruised: Yeah. And I’ll work harder on letting go of what people think of us.

Jaren the Perfectionist: Same.

Jaren the Dreamer: Deal.

So, I guess now would be a good time to tell you all that I’m taking some time off for the next couple of months to work on an exciting new project. I just can’t tell you what it is yet. I’ll have to confer with my "splits" closer to the completion date to see about releasing it into the world.

Until then, thank you for reading and listening to The Pivot!