The Pivot #9: Music Edition — Our Little Secret

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsrMiyCuo0Y

“Careful not to disturb you, no I don’t dare say a word, cuz you’re perfect right where you are. And just the sound of you breathin’ is proof enough there’s a reason for everything, even us.”

Lyrics from Our Little Secret (Cerf, Mitiska, Jaren)

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One of the things I loathe most about being a woman in show business is the unspoken pressure to camouflage a pregnancy just to stay relevant. It’s why I have such a girl-crush on Cardi B. Sure, she kept it under wraps for a minute, but once she went public? She rocked those baby bumps in a way that truly levelled me. Dry-humping the stage? Twerking? Hell yes. Those babies got a free ride to the theme park. I wouldn’t be surprised if they found shadowing Navy Seals for a day boring. “Jumping out of helicopters? Please. I did the equivalent in the womb.”

Flashback to 2009. I was 25 (though I was telling people I was 23 because I routinely forgot how old I was the second I turned 21). I’d just signed my umpteenth record deal and things were finally catching fire in my trance career. “Unforgivable” and “Man on the Run” were out in the world, and right on cue, my hormones decided it was time to get pregnant.

Impeccable timing. According to me, and me only.

I’d heard the whispers. I’d listened to managers and agents talk shit about pregnant artists long before I had kids, and I understood the subtext: She decided her priorities were children instead of her career. She’s done. Cross her off the list. And then, I had my own.

“And all the distance in between can’t stop the love that I hold. But, I guess it’s our little secret. Either way, I’m gonna keep it with me wherever I go.”

Lyrics from Our Little Secret (Cerf, Mitiska, Jaren)

There are a million reasons a woman in showbiz hides her belly. You don’t want to lose jobs (obviously). If you’re “established,” pregnancy is tolerated at best; if you’re not, you’re basically a liability. Then there’s the need for personal privacy—and protecting the privacy of a child who didn't ask for the spotlight.

In my case, I was “kinda-sorta” established, and we—Matt, our partner Shawn, and I—had a new album on the horizon. I had zero clue how I was going to promote it. By the time I hit six months, I looked like I was carrying multiples. There was no way my puffy face, swollen feet, and basketball-sized belly were going into a promo shoot.

As it turned out, I needn’t have worried. My progeny turned two before the project even saw the light of day.

It was infuriating. We were this close to finishing the master when I went into labor. There were literal hours left of work, but I was currently hollering and bellowing like a dying cow every three minutes. My sister-in-law, who was babysitting me at the time, decided the "cow" was probably going to give birth soon and told her brother to get his ass home. Now.

A few months later, the guys (Matt and Shawn) decided to “fix the production” on a few tracks. That little tweak took two years. And approximately 98% of my sanity.

Anyway. "Our Little Secret" started as a song about my deep love for Matt while he slept next to me. Eventually, it morphed. It became a song about the intense, sacred link that would tie us together for eternity: our daughter.

In that moment, I didn’t care what happened to my career. I knew I loved this child more than anything, and I’d do anything for her—even if it meant losing a tour (which I did) or losing jobs (I’m certain of it). It was the right thing for me. And honestly? Fuck anyone who thinks having a child makes you "less-than" as an artist.

I try to imagine life without my kids, and it’s bleak. Would I have more money? Sure. But I’d also be miserable, anxious, and constantly feeling like the main character of my life was missing. My daughter forced me to grow up. She forced me to audit my priorities and face my demons. I will never be able to thank her enough for just... existing. (Lilu, if you’re reading this, I mean every word. But that doesn’t mean I’m spending my entire life savings on you at Sephora. There are material limits, kid.)

***I hate that I even have to say this, but: writing this isn't an attack on anyone who chooses the child-free life. Your journey is yours. You know what’s best for you, period. I wanted kids. I was disorganized, and frankly, I was a child myself when I had her. But we’ve grown up together.

This song is the start of that journey. It encapsulates my feelings about that specific window of time—and the "mama bear" attitude I had to adopt while facing a notoriously superficial industry.

Man, am I glad I wrote it. And man, am I thankful to Matt and Shawn and Pulser for taking me seriously when I insisted on putting a chillout song on what was supposed to be a "trance" album. That's how I remember it, at least.

I have a thousand more stories about the high-drama rollercoaster of putting that project together, but those are for another day. Right now, I’m just sending some love to 25-year-old Jaren—in all her insecurity, her fierce desire to be a Mom against everyone’s wishes, and her unflinching need to explore every messy human emotion.

Xo, Jaren

The baby in this belly is now the singer on this track.

Keywords: Jaren Cerf, singer, Armin van Buuren, Dash Berlin, Man On The Run, Saved Again, You Never Said, Unforgiveable, Cerf, CMJ, Cerf, Mitiska, Jaren, EDM, Trance, Vocal Trance, Aly & Fila, A State Of Trance, Begging You, Matt Cerf, Avenue One