The Pivot - #1 - Beginner Mentality

I’m Jaren—a neurodivergent voice artist turned student nurse, and you’re listening to the audio version of my blog series The Pivot: my journey through motherhood, medicine, language, and music and the art of the mid-life remix.

AI-generated image of a woman walking into an unknown forest with a pair of boots in her right hand.

The Beginner Mentality

*NOTE - I attend a CEGEP, which is a unique public post-secondary education system in Québec, Canada. CEGEP is situated between high school (Grade 11) and university and offers two-year pre-university programs or three-year technical programs. I'm currently in a three-year technical program.

Holy smokes, being a beginner at something after having spent the last couple of decades being more or less of an expert in the field of voice work has sure been a mind f*ck.

I hated it at first. I still dislike it, only I love learning more than how much I dislike not knowing what I want to know. Does that make sense? In my head, it does.

In my case, I'm a beginner at everything: attending higher education, learning in a language that's not my own (yet)...I'm a beginner in all of my courses (except psychology, which I have always had an interest in and studied on the side). Being a beginner requires that I shove my ego deep into my pillowcase each and every morning and leave it at home to rest.

At first, I thought this would be terribly painful, but that's not at all how I would describe the feeling. I'd venture to say a better adjective would be freeing. It has been freeing to leave my previous identity at the door and walk into my school as someone entirely new. Nobody knows me here. I don't really know me, here.

That unknowing has allowed me to discover new sides of myself - ones I didn't know existed. Like the fact that I'm now an A student, even in another language. (I'm sorry, WHAT?!!) 17-year-old me would never believe this. She'd roll her eyes, call me a loser, and tell me I sold out. But it's true.

And I've become more than a great student. As it turns out, I'm pretty awesome at breaking down concepts for my fellow neurodivergent classmates, and even more surprising...I've turned into somewhat of an advocate for higher learning. (I'm crinkling my nose as I write this because I've done my fair share of complaining in front of my kids about not liking school as a teen.)

So, what changed?

Well...I did.

I felt forced into school at the time I made my decision to return because I didn't have a university degree (still don't) or a grasp of the french language great enough to find work locally. I tried, believe me. But after a full year of full-time studies, I can confidently say I made the right choice. I feel good.

I sometimes wonder if I feel a similar sense of awe, joy and overwhelm as my young colleagues who are out of the house for the very first time, wondering who they will become. We are like a bunch of caterpillars cocooning with our text books and our pens, decorating the inside of our interior worlds, trying to figure out what kind of winged creature we'll transform into, all the while fully aware of the pressures that await us in the outside world.

One thing is for sure: I might be one of the oldest students here, but I have life experience. And that's been something of a gift for myself and my professors. Heck, even some of my young classmates. For one, I am genuinely interested in what my professors are teaching. I am studious. I am dedicated. I ask questions from a different perspective, which benefits all of us. The same way my young classmates' fresh perspectives benefit me.

Somewhere deep down, I hope I am showing them that it's never too late to change careers. If one day they wake up and decide to change course, I hope they'll remember me and think if she can do it, I can do it.

It's a nice thought.

Before starting CEGEP, I worried my classmates would make fun of me for being older. But I realized quickly they mostly just think I'm one of the teachers unless we converse. They've been kind and respectful, and I have to say I have so much hope for this generation. If you would have asked me what I thought about teenagers five years ago, I would have probably said they're terrifying. Instead, I find them resilient, inspiring, and constantly searching for answers.

I'm searching, too.

All this to say that if you have been thinking about returning to school, but you're scared - be scared and do it anyway. It's what the cool kids are doing. Join us.

-J