The Pivot #8 - But What Do I Do With My Arms?

Yep. That's me. If I were AI generated. Thank you, Gemini, for capturing this feeling so well.

I’m perimenopausal. I know it. My doctor knows it. I would make it my entire personality if the idea didn’t bother me so much. I simply refuse.

But there’s one symptom that has really started to bug me. It only started a few years ago, but it affects just about everything I do because it’s related to sleep – and if I can’t sleep well, neither can anyone else in my house because I’m petty these days. Also a symptom? 

(Anyway, whatever.)

It’s my arms. I don’t know how to sleep with them attached to my body anymore. They’ve developed snotty attitudes and have basically become two entitled princesses who expect princess treatment. As if I have the energy.

“Not that position. It’s just like slightly too high, you know what I mean?”

“Well, I don’t want to be squished, either!”

“Well, no, because I'll get too cold!”

“Yack, no. Who likes a sauna? Not me.”

“Okay don't move. That's perfect. Well, tell the shoulders to deal with it! Why do they have to be such babies, anyway? They always get what they want!”

I’ve reached the age where, even if I did have a partner, I’d probably have to sleep alone because the only "sleep-able" positions are so ridiculous even my dog gets fed up. Now she insists on sleeping under the covers next to my knees when I’m on my side. I’m pretty sure it’s so she can lock me into one position so I won’t flop around all night like a beached fish. But every morning, one of my princess arms wakes up in a miserable mood, anyway, and gives everyone the silent treatment — at least until I have my coffee. Thank god they like decaf.

So, I don’t know. Maybe you can help a girl out? Give me some guidance? Can a girl bribe her arms into submission? Or like, take them off at night or something? I wish. I’m at the point where I sleep with one of those funky formed foam pillows. It’s great for holding my head in place. But the arms don’t abide. So, what I’ve been doing lately, is this:

 

My Current "Going To Sleep With Perimenopausal Arms" Routine

1. Go anywhere there’s a sale on king-size pillows. The puffier, the better. But also a little firm.

2. Rethink your purchase five times. Like, do I really need these? Surely any of the other bazillion regular size pillows at home could work. They won’t.

3. Buy ridiculously expensive organic cotton pillow covers for said king-size pillows.

4. Regret your purchase as you walk to the car.

5. Wash the pillow covers at home.

6. Immediately regret regretting buying pillow covers because they are the softest things you’ve ever felt and make you want to take a nap right now.

7. At bedtime, twirl around counter clockwise three time and whisper “please let my arms behave” to the Perimenopausal Arm Gods, then crawl into bed.

8. Place one king-size pillow behind your back (pretend someone dares enough to spoon you during this tumultuous time).

9. Place your foam pillow under your head so that it’s comfortable on the side but that if you happen to roll backwards enough, it’s also comfortable (this is key).

10. Place other king-size pillow between your knees and drape one arm over the top (because it’s long – you can pretend it’s like you are in bed with Tristan from Legends of the Fall), and the arm underneath straight out but angled down enough towards your feet that your top hand can touch your bottom wrist, gently.

11. Pull the covers all the way up to your least favorite chin hair.

12. Realize you’re only half way there because now that you’re somewhat comfortable, the racing thoughts that keep you awake can now take over.

Okay, gals. What am I missing? Tell me what I can improve. And, also, tell me I’m not alone.

-Jaren